The Great Hall
The Great Hall is the twenty-fifth and final level in Crash Bandicoot: An Interactive Erotic Visual Novel. As one might expect, as the very very final level in the game, it is very difficult, as Crashie must manage to walk - in a straight line, mind you - several yards to reach the goal! This is very difficult for him, assuming he's very very drunk on the alcohol. And why wouldn't he be? This game is trash! Fortunately, this is the very last level before the final confrontation with Dr. Neo Hoverboardtex, so you can close your eyes and reassure yourself with the mantra, "It'll all be over soon". Like a sex rape victim! But, what's this? If you are a gamer of the most terrific sort, you will have collected every Clear Gem in the game. And, for your devotion to the global cause of Gemocracy, you will be presented with the delightful reward of a very special Clear Gem Route! This route will lead you to the secret alternate ending to the game, in which Crash rescues his favourite cock-warmer without any sort of final boss confrontation. I mean, seriously! What the hell kind of climactic conclusion is that??? If you choose this boring ending, you're gonna feel royally screwed, I tells ya! Like a sex rape victim! Sony Computer Entertainment America Presents: An Alternate Universal Interactive Studios Production! (Created and Developed but Subsequently Cruelly Abandoned By Naughty Dog!) Crash Bandicoot is a highly unusual interactive erotic visual novel in that, unlike its sequels, the special 100% secret-type ending is, apparently, non-canon. In the alternate ending, Crash rescues Tawna without fighting Cortex, and they ride off into the moonset on Blandie the Vulture. Then a bunch of other vague shit happens that we are only told about via text. This is modern cinema at its finest, folks! The sequels do not continue on from the events of this ending, so one is left to feebly speculate about the full events of this alternate universe, instead of going out and having sex with women like real people. You people disgust me. But, alas, I shall give in. As revealed by a secret spy I dispatched to Naughty Dog in late 1996 - he or she would like me to keep his or her identity a secret, obviously, so I shall refer to him by the codename "Sheep Throat" - here are some of the plot devices Naughty Dog was throwing around before deciding to continue on from the more exciting ending, banishing all this delightful material to the deep, dark realm of Alternate Universe - a dimension otherwise primarily inhabited by extremely contrived fanfictional sex erotica. Papu sold the ruins of Castle Cortex to a resort developer. He then used the proceeds to open a big and tall shop on the island. This is a bit of a curious paradox as, unlike the canon non-100% ending, we don't see Castle Cortex ablaze with the orange-hot flames of fire. So how did it become ruined? Um....ummmmmm.....well, Cortex was SO offended by Crash's refusal to fight him, that he spontaneously exploded from pent-up anger a week later. Yeah, totally. Since the castle was both ruined AND without its Cortie-ey owner, it never got rebuilt. Um, yeah. And since Cortex's absence meant that he never enacted another scheme ever again, Crashie never had to leave home again. And, as the Bandy Andy Coot fell out of the public's eye, Jerome Papupapudopoulos found his continuing anti-marsupial laws becoming increasingly unpopular with the public. He was booted out of office after his first term - the Tribesanistanis literally use boots for this, you see, because they are Savage Tribal Natives. Anyway, yeah, he sold the ruins. Instead of saving the money, he blew it all immediately to create Jerry's Casa de Fatty, a clothing outlet for Tribesmen of world-leaderly proportions. It was a miserable failure, however, because the Tribesmen do not wear clothes, ever. His entire fortune gone, the twilight years of Papu's career were spent eking out a meagre living as a professional Former President Jerome "Papu Papu" Papupapudopoulos impersonator at children's birthday parties and weddings. Due to his unpopularity in the latter years of his presidency, you see, he earned more money as a comical Papupapudoppelgänger than as the real thing, ironically enough. This depressed Papu Papu greatly, sinking him into an inescapable funk from which he was unable to escape. He never smiled again. But, on the bright side, the resort was successful, giving many upper-middle-class Americans yet another delightful setting for their pathetic attempts to rekindle their failing marriages and/or fuck their mistresses! After intense therapy and eight years of higher education, Dr. Roo went on to write the well-received book, Through the Eye of the Vortex: A Study of Rapid Evolution and Its Consequences. In the absence of Cortex's tyr-N-ical reign, Ripper Roo was free to get the psychiatric help he truly needed, from the world-famous psychotherapist extraordinaire, Dr. Northaniel Polar. Roo was able to work through many of his problems, including his obsessive love of explosions (aka pyromania) and his constant laughing (aka Jimmy Fallon Syndrome). His newfound freedom so inspired the Rooster that he decided to abandon his career in political science and, instead, follow in Dr. N. Polar's footsteps. After getting his degree in the psychology, he achieved fame by penning a terrible piece-of-shit book that has very little to do with any actual generally accepted psychological principles - just like most pop culture shrinks! (I'm looking at you, Quick Draw "Dr. Phil" McGraw!) Now, perhaps you're confused, since the Polar we were ultimately presented with in Crash Bandicoot 2: Once Cortex Strikes Black, He'll Never Strike Back! was, to put it as delicately as possible, a fucking retard. Well, as Sheep Throat explains, the truth is that he was originally supposed to be a genius, but they decided to change this once they decided to ditch the Ripper Roo psychology plotline in favour of continuing the political science angle. Nonetheless, news of the change didn't reach the producers of Crash Bandicoot: N-Ventures! in time. Because this news was tardy, Cartoon Polar wasn't retardy. Koala Kong moved to Hollywood and landed a motion picture deal of Universal proportions. Currently he is working with a speech therapist to improve his diction. Apparently, Koala Kong was supposed to be some sort of Arnold Shchwharhazhaneiggherr (sp?) parody. This was apparently lost in the avalanche of personalitylessness avalanching throughout the first game. As such, we can certainly agree that ditching this glitzy Hollywooden storyline, in favour of permanently shelving Sexy Shirtless Diddy's less interesting koala-based beshirted brother, was a wise decision. (Of course, this was thrown out the window as soon as Naughty Dog left the series, with Koala Kong making an appearance - as a playable character, no less! - in Crash Bandicoot and Friends Are Unwillingly Dragged Into the Aku-Uka Brothers' Pathetic Sibling Rivalry. Fuck you, Eurocom!) Pinstripe moved to Chicago, where he now owns and operates a city-wide sanitation company. He is saving money for his upcoming gubernatorial campaign. With Cortex all deady and whatnot, Uncle Cortie's Cortex Power Super-Conglomerate Incorporated came under new ownership - that of Papu Papu. And he obviously sold the damn place right away, leaving Pinstripe tragically out of his cushy CEO gig. So, instead, he moved to the Wendy's City, where he went into the trash business - and it was perhaps the wisest decision he ever made. In a city as hilariously corrupt and generally evil as Chicago, Pinstripe was actually one of its most upstanding citizens! And, as such, he was successfully able to parley his relatively squeaky clean reputation into a successful political career. (The fact that he opted to run for governor implies that he was actually supposed to be some sort of Future Arnold Shchwhahrahzhahnhehgheheheherrrrrh (sp?) parody all along.) Since in this alternate continuity he left the Wumpa Islands before he ever had the chance to become Tawna's pimp, she remained with Crashie for slightly longer, and ultimately they gave birth to one child - Castro Bandicoot, a hilarious Cuban stereotype, who was to be Crash's sidekick in the next game. Sheep Throat explains that, when it was decided for Pinstripe to remain in Oceania, they ditched the concept of Tawna remaining with Crashie the Blandicoot for even a second after his rescue operation was complete - thus, Castro Bandicoot never came into existence. As a result, Naughty Dog created Coco Bandicoot, as a composite of all the best features of both Tawna and Castro. (Incidentally, as Pinstripe would have still been in the America at the time, it is unknown who would've been in his place in Crash Bandicoot vs. Dr. N. Ascar. According to one fan, it might've been Homer Simpson. But this fan is a fucking douchebag with no redeeming characteristics whatsoever. Most other fans more correctly assume it might've been an actual Crashie character instead.) After the disappearance of his mentor, Dr. Nitrus Brio rediscovered his first love: tending bar. After the shocking death of his best friend and lover, Dr. Neo Cortex, Dr. Nitrus Brio became a pathetic alcoholic. Instead of asking Crashed-Potatoes-and-Gravicoot to retrieve a bunch of shitty Gems as in the final game, Sheep Throat reports, Brio would've instead implored the starchy one to fetch him a bunch of cocktail umbrellas for use in decorating Mai Tais - for the uninitiated, delicious Polynesian-style cocktails consisting of rum, Curaçao liqueur, lime juice, and mutagenic agent. The world has heard nothing more of Cortex since Crash foiled his plans....but evil geniuses are harder to squash than cockroaches. This prophecy was to come true in the final game of the trilogy, Crash Bandicoot vs. the Zombie N-Vasion!, in which a prototypical version of Dr. Nefarious Tropy was to use his powers of necromancy to revive Dr. Neo Cortex as Dr. Zombie-O Cortex, an undead fiend the likes of which the world has never seen, except in countless overrated horror-themed motion pictures! Being undead, Cortex would have been infested with bugs - specifically, hard-to-squash cockroaches, just as the prophecy had prophecised! Crash and Castro Bandicoot would have been tasked with once again travelling throughout the three islands again, but this time collecting special Deady Power Crystals hidden in such zombie-themed locales as zombie graveyards, zombie shopping malls, and zom-beehives. But, says low-level developer/spy Erick "Sheep Throat" Pangilman, the team's decision to adapt the more standard non-100% ending as canon complicated this. Since Corcorcorcorcorcorcorcorcorcor remained alive, having the Tropy Tropy Tropsters revive him as a zombie made no sense. Reluctantly, they were forced to revise that game concept completely, giving it an uninteresting time travel theme instead and ultimately turning it into Crash Bandicoot 3: Tropy Likes to Rock Out with His Clock Out. It was decided to make Dr. Nefarious Tropy a master of time and space, thus making his clock-themed appearance more than just cosmetic. Trivia *This stage's name appears to be a clever reference to the real-world Great Wall of China. Like the wall, this level is short. *Alternately, it might be a reference to "the great Anthony Michael Hall" - Assistant Producer David Gracia's favourite actor ever! *It is quite noteworthy that this level's background music is reused three years later for the last section of the Scrapbook in Crash Bandicoot vs. Dr. N. Ascar. This implies that Cortie might've built his ENTIRE CASTLE out of old scrapbooks maybe! *The secret corridor in this stage features a portrait of Tawna Bandicoot posing in a sexually provocative manner, controversially implying that she might be a hussy. *Because the alternate ending is obviously non-canon, according to a recent poll, some fans regard getting 100% in this game as sacrillage worthy of punishment by burning at the stake. Then again, some other fans don't. And the rest are undecided. (Margin of error: A few)